Chick On a Date

adventures in online and offline dating

Don’t Tip The Waiters

I hate the waiters. I’ve met a few of them in the past couple of years, and I am really and truly done with them and their ilk.

What’s a waiter, you ask?

In the online dating world, a waiter is a guy who waits too damn long, or who won’t make a move, or who ignores you for months in between dates. All of these men are, above all else, non-communicative, and I suspect they are never going to really find a real relationship because they’re too busy waiting around. Maybe they’re waiting for the next hot woman, or for a job they’re working on to end, or for their kids to grow up.

Any way you slice it, it comes up “ugh.”

I guess I understand in a way. Not everyone is looking for a real relationship. Some guys just want to date a bunch of different women. I have no problem with that. The only issue I have with it is with men who claim they ARE looking for a relationship NOW, but they aren’t doing a damn thing to make that happen. Here are a couple of examples:

Last year I met a really sweet professional man. We went out a couple times, and there actually was a nice connection between us. But we both got busy with work for a while and we didn’t see each other for a few weeks. The problem was the lack of communication during that time. I felt like I was always the one initiating contact via text or calls. He always responded and kept saying how much he liked me, but after a while I just got bored with waiting around for him. I stopped calling, and when he called or texted, I just didn’t respond. Maybe some women wouldn’t mind a relationship like this, but I’m more interested in someone to spend time with and talk to OFTEN, not just once in a while.

Case #2. Also last year, I met another nice guy, but I was pretty sure after the first meeting he wasn’t really looking for a serious relationship, even though he claimed he was. I’m still not sure exactly what he IS looking for, since every few months or so he contacts me to go out or whatever. Here’s the deal, though: I’m not looking for someone to go out with every few months, probably while he’s in between actual girlfriends. Nah. I’ll pass. He is also another terrible communicator.

And finally — the guy who wants to pursue a relationship but doesn’t want anything “serious” until his kids go off to college. The youngest is now 15. Are you kidding? I’m going to wait around for THREE YEARS?

I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I don’t believe every man is going to find me attractive or want to have a relationship with me. And sometimes it goes the other way (more often than not) — where I may not want to pursue anything with a guy. Don’t get me wrong — I am all for casual dating — but when I meet someone I like who likes me, I’d kind of like to see where it goes. If, after a couple of months, one or both of us decides it’s not working out, I’m fine with ending things. I’m not asking for a commitment after two dates, either. I think, though, it would be nice that, if both people are serious about finding a partner, they each make an effort to hang out together, talk on the phone or text at least every couple of days, and really make a decision to get to know each other. You can’t know someone if you have four dates with them over the course of a year, or if you never talk to each other on a regular basis.

Fortunately, most guys aren’t waiters. There are lots of guys who call and text often, send you funny emails, see you as much as they can, and try to fit you into their days, no matter how busy they are. I’ve learned from these guys that making someone else feel like you’re willing to give them a real shot is a pretty great thing. I’ve dated a few of them for a while until I realized it wasn’t the right fit. The cool thing was that both of us were willing to give it a try until we knew for sure.

If you really are looking for something real with another person, you have to go out of your way to fit them into your life — at least until you know whether they are for you or not. How will you know someone and if they could be “it” if you’re not putting anything into it? And if you’re just looking to date a bunch of people, good for you. I date a lot of people as well. My ultimate goal, however, is to find someone special. If someone seems special after three dates or so, I’ll back off going out with others until I figure things out.

I’m getting older, and I’m pretty set in my ways. Sometimes I think it’s gonna be tough to live with someone again, to share almost every aspect of my life with a partner. But I also know that, for the right person, I can make a lot of changes. And I don’t plan on waiting around when I find him.


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Looking For Jake Ryan

If you’re an American woman of a certain age, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. We all want Jake Ryan.

For those not in the know about this, Jake Ryan was a character in the John Hughes classic Sixteen Candles. Jake (played by Michael Schoeffling; was he ever in anything else?) was Samantha’s (Molly Ringwald) love interest, and he was just as cute as can be. And every. single. woman. who ever saw this movie wanted her own Jake Ryan.

Of course it doesn’t hurt that Jake Ryan (for some reason you always have to say his full name; just Jake won’t do) is to-die-for gorgeous. I mean, look at the guy. Piercing eyes; thick, luxurious hair; sexy sideburns; and an extremely kissable mouth. Hoo-doggy, what a nice specimen of manhood. But his looks are NOT what most women love about him. Uh uh. What we really love about Jake Ryan are all those perfect-boyfriend qualities that every single one of us desires. In other words, I’m not looking for someone who looks like Jake Ryan, but who embodies the Jake Ryan-esque traits I adore.

So what makes Jake Ryan so special? Let me spell it out for you:

1. He’s funny.

Okay, maybe that scene isn’t a good example of his sense of humor, but take my word for it.

2. He is sensitive and stands up for the downtrodden.┬áJake Ryan is one of the beautiful people. He has a gorgeous girlfriend, popular friends, and a hell of a lot going for him. But he doesn’t treat “the little people” like crap. Not Jake Ryan.

The Geek (played by Anthony Michael Hall) is stuck under a glass-topped table. Does Jake Ryan leave him there to die? No. He lets The Geek out, gives him a beer, and lets him drive his car. How many people would do that for a nerd? And he falls in love with a dorky chick, even when his friends wonder what the hell he’s thinking. He stands up for her. He thinks for himself. What a lovely man is Jake Ryan.

3. He is deep. Jake Ryan has a gorgeous girlfriend who puts out and likes to party (or vice versa). And yet, he is drawn to the quiet, sweet Samantha instead. I personally have no idea what he was thinking, but hey, what woman doesn’t want a guy who looks under the surface of a woman to fall in love with who she really is?

4. He is romantic. Everybody else forgets poor Sam’s birthday, but not Jake Ryan. He even gets her a kick-ass birthday cake and (I am assuming) lifts her up onto the table to eat it with him. And he opens doors for her! And he looks into her eyes longingly! And he thinks she’s the cat’s pajamas (my words, not his)!

What woman wouldn’t like that shit?

As soon as I find my Jake Ryan, it’s all over. And he’s out there.

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Taxidermy and You

Dear Plenty of Fish Bachelor,

You know, maybe I’m weird, but I don’t think all that many people would be turned on by the 14 photos you have posted wherein you pose in a variety of costumes and locales with your taxidermy projects.

Don’t get me wrong; they were interesting in a tragic-accident kind of way. I was particularly intrigued by the ones where you arranged several dead wolves around a raging campfire while you pointed your rifle at them in a defensive stance. Very creative.

Likewise, the photo of yourself lounging on a chaise with a small stuffed squirrel cuddled up by your side was unique, though off-putting. I think the most arresting thing about that photo is the expression on the squirrel’s face — as though you captured just that moment of “oh shit, this guy is going to kill me and stuff me,” which probably occurred very close to the end of the creature’s life.

One other favorite was the recreation of Norman Bates’s motel office in the film Psycho. You really did a great job creeping me out with those stuffed birds, just like Norman did.

So congratulations on your creativity and energy in really showing your potential mates who you are. I totally think I “get” you now. Best wishes to you as you pursue your hobby and as you look for the love of your life. Sorry for the brevity of this response, but I just realized I am overdue for a peroxide eye-washing.


Chick On a Date


You Wanna Do What?!

A tall, handsome man asks you out. You blush prettily and say yes. The day of the big date, you spend all day beautifying yourself. You get your nails done (mani AND pedi), try on 824 outfits, and obsess over your shitty hair. You always hated your hair, and today you really and truly hate it with the burning hot passion of a thousand fiery suns.

Finally, though, you look at yourself in the mirror and you think, “Well, that’s as good as this is gonna get” and head out the door.

He’s a handsome man, like I said. He looks like he may have some nice musculature going on under his polo shirt. His blue eyes are twinkly in the best kind of twinkly way. He suggested meeting at a local watering hole and then, well, maybe a “surprise.”

Ooh, a surprise. Dinner at a fancy restaurant? A moonlight stroll around the lake while the stars sparkle above you like a million diamonds? Perhaps a night at the theater? You’re all smiles when you meet him at an intimate table for two. The conversation flows steadily. He’s witty, smart, and damn sexy. He stares into your eyes. You think he might be into you.

Two drinks down, and you tell yourself you need to slow down before you get silly. But hey, this is going well. You’re patting yourself on the back. Your legs must look damn fine in this skirt.

He leans in close. “This is going great,” he says. “Yeah,” you murmur back, giddy. “So you wanna get out of here?” he asks. You nod, your not-so-crappy hair bouncing in a flirtatious manner. “All right, let’s go.”

You get into his sleek, black car. What other kind of car would this man have? You smile at him as he zooms through the city streets. You anticipate some hand-holding at The Lion King or a romantic slow dance at a quaint little club.

And then, you see it.

“You said you wanted to learn how to do this,” he grins over at you. And you nod, because, goddammit to effing hell, you did say that. And you totter daintily, in your four-inch, sexy heels, into the St. Paul Curling Club.

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Could We Just Have Fun?

Ever been on a date where you felt like you were being interviewed?

I mean, I get it. I’m no spring chicken myself. And many of us feel like we really need to hurry up and find a boyfriend/girlfriend before we get so old all hope is gone. I hear ya, people. But could we just relax a little and have some fun?

Recently, I went out for a drink with a very nice man. We had had a couple of phone conversations previously that went pretty well. There was some fun banter, comfortable conversion about jobs, kids, all that stuff. All good there.


…then came the first meeting.

It started off innocuously enough. We did one of those quick “nice to meet you” hugs, sat down with our drinks, and then… the interview began.

Him: How long have you been in Minnesota?

Me: Almost two years.

Him: Where were you before that?

Me: Iowa.

Him: How about before that?

And on. And on. There was no actual conversation; just him asking questions and me responding. And no, he didn’t really want me to expound on any of my answers. It was like he had a list he needed to get through to figure out if I was worth his time. I actually started to get nervous for a while there.

When did dating stop being fun and start being so damn serious? Is there a reason we can’t just lighten up and enjoy each other’s company? I don’t need to know everything about a man the first time I meet him; usually I’ll figure out if I want to see him again and if I want to know more just by talking to him like a normal person. With time, we’ll get to know each other, right?

Sure, I want someone in my life; it would be cool to find a partner in crime. But I refuse to give up having fun on a date to get there. Needless to say, I won’t be seeing Mr. Interviewer again. So there.

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