Chick On a Date

adventures in online and offline dating

Perfect Doesn’t Exist

I used to think The Perfect Man existed. He was sensitive, sweet, gentle, and manly as hell. He had thick dark hair, straight white teeth, and full, kissable lips. He was tall, but not too tall. He was strong, but not rough. He wore faded jeans that highlighted his beautiful bum, and a white button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show off his masculine forearms. He had a hairy chest, but not a hairy back. He had a rakish goatee and knew how to dance and looked cool doing it.

He sounds fantastic, doesn’t he? But he doesn’t exist.

Picture the most beautiful man you know. Even that guy isn’t perfect. Maybe he snores. He probably leaves the toilet seat up. I bet sometimes he gets food stuck in his teeth. Occasionally, he probably smells bad.

Perfect isn’t real. It isn’t possible. But what is possible is something better: a man who is right for me. I know this guy exists. I know he will sometimes piss me off; he may even make me cry once or twice. He might weigh a little more than he should, and he might have a hard time paying attention when I’m talking about my fabulous pair of new shoes. He may like music I think is stupid, and he may look deranged when watching football.

But Mr. Not Perfect will have the right arms to put around me every day, and a smile that makes me melt. He will make me laugh. He will love my dogs and my family. He will make fun of the way I run, make sure my car has the right tire pressure, and buy me flowers for no good reason.

And this guy will, I’m sure, drive me absolutely crazy. I’m confident I won’t care, though, because even though he isn’t perfect, he will be for me. I hope he hurries up and finds me.

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Coloring Outside The Usual Lines

I’ve thought of myself a certain way for a long time. I’m educated, fairly intelligent, and I love art, music, literature, and theater. I have a professional career, wear high heels nearly every day, and enjoy a good political debate. Within the past couple years, almost every single man I’ve dated has been very similar to me: I’ve dated professional, highly educated men with a certain mindset. It’s been pretty rare that I’ve been attracted to a guy who is really different from me.

I think this has been a huge mistake.

Yesterday, I received a message from a man on a dating site. I almost didn’t even respond to it, but for some reason, I did. This guy is nothing like the guys I usually date. He is about 10 years older than myself, clearly works out a lot (if the nicely muscled biceps in one of his photos are any indication), works in a mechanical capacity, and rides a Harley. He even has a photo of himself wearing those funny leather chaps things that motorcyclists seem to wear on occasion. I know, right? He actually put “N/A” under the “education” blank on his profile. His profile is short and to the point and — gasp! — includes one major typo and he does that thing I hate where he capitalizes some words that shouldn’t be capitalized. Usually when I get messages from men like this I just respond with a polite “Sorry, I’m not interested” and move on.

But this time, I answered his message. It helps to know that his first message to me included a dare, and I am not one to pass on any challenge, so that’s probably why I answered the way I did. Anyway, all through the day we sent messages back and forth. He is funny and sincere. His messages were generally well-written and made me laugh. By the end of the day, I’d given him my phone number.

What?

And then he called, and we talked for more than three hours. THREE HOURS. At one point he had me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. (This is a very, very good thing.) He is smart, interesting, and has done some very cool things in his life. The time just flew by. (This is also a very, very good thing.) It was almost an effort to hang up.

So here’s this guy that I expected to be completely different from me who ended up having more in common with me than I would have ever imagined. I am actually very excited to meet him face-to-face this weekend.

The moral of the story? I need to stop judging books by their covers. Expanding my horizons, as well as my expectations, may just be what I need to find someone I’ll love spending time with. Just because someone doesn’t listen to the music I listen to, or has a job he does with his hands, doesn’t mean we won’t be compatible where it matters. Maybe those differences will make me a more well-rounded person. Maybe differences are what make a relationship really fun and surprising.

I guess I’ll find out.

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Mr. Arrogance

I recently had an online encounter with an asshole.

At first blush, he seemed like a good guy. His photos are cute, he has a nice (if short) profile, and his first few messages to me were respectful and complimentary. All good signs. But then…he turned into a raging mass of cockiness.

He sent me a message nearly every day, often later in the day. He would always ask if I wanted to go out that night. Well, since I’ve been dating quite a bit lately, I would always tell him I had plans or that I was trying to catch up on work or whatever. Finally, I asked him in a message if he wanted to get together if we could maybe plan for the following week. I was very polite and suggested a day and place to meet.

This is the response I received:

“Are you kidding? I would never ever make a date with a woman a week in advance. You should make time for me tonight if you like me.”

Um, what?

This guy has balls, I’ll give him that. He is also extremely delusional. I’m not sure why he thinks any woman would be sitting around waiting for his message so she can run right out at his bidding to meet him. I’m not sure why he believes a woman isn’t worth setting up a date in advance. And I have no clue why he thinks he is so special.

I have no intention of ever meeting this guy now. He could be freaking George Clooney and I wouldn’t be interested.

And could someone please explain this to me?

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Those Wacky Profile Pics We Love To Hate

Today I uploaded a new photo to my online dating profile. I like to think it is tasteful and actually looks like me, unlike so many profile pictures out there. What follows is a description of some of the doozies I’ve come across lately, as well as some of the old standbys that never seem to go out of style:

1. The fish photo. Maybe it’s because I live in Minnesota, but I would guess at least 50 percent of the profiles I peruse have at least one photograph of the profilee holding up a dead fish. I have no idea why men think this attractive to women, but maybe women who are actually from Minnesota somehow find this sexy. I think it’s strange and a bit off-putting. Even if I wasn’t a vegan, I don’t think I would be all that excited by a shot of a guy wearing camo caressing a catfish.

2. The dead animal photo. This is very similar to the fish photo, except this is usually a shot of the guy holding up a dead deer’s head and looking extremely proud. Occasionally the dead animal is a bear or something rather exotic. I actually don’t care what sort of animal it is; I find these kinds of photos really disgusting to look at. Again, do men think the fact they can kill a living creature makes them irresistible to women? Maybe it works for those huntery outdoorsy Minnesota ladies. It just doesn’t exactly turn me on.

3. The up-the-nose shot. Again, I am mystified by these photos. I understand taking a photo of yourself, but I don’t get why you would have to hold the camera under your chin and direct the lens up into your nostrils. This is really not attractive, and I’m often curious if the man in question has done this on purpose or if it was a mishap of some kind. Either way, don’t they have a minute to take a second, more appealing photo?

4. Pics of the kids. Yes, some men post pictures of their children on dating web sites. I know — what? Recently, I’ve come across a few profiles where there is not one photo of the man without his children. Am I alone in thinking this is kind of strange?

5. Pics of the ex(es). It seems really strange to me how many men post pictures of themselves with women. Sometimes, the woman’s face is whited or blurred out, sometimes not. I have actually seen some guys’ profiles that have a number of pictures of them kissing other women. Um, call me nuts, but this is not “hot” to me. I want to imagine myself kissing you, not be hit over the head with a shot of you making out with some chick who dumped you. Yikes.

6. Clown pictures. Okay, I’ve only seen this once, but it really stuck with me. One guy had nothing but photos of himself in a clown costume. He completed the ensemble with white makeup and a big red nose. I was too creeped out to actually read his profile, but I’m assuming this may be his job or something. At least, I hope it is. Because if he’s just dressing up like a scary ass clown for fun, what other kind of weird shit would he get up to? No thank you.

7. Half-naked photos. Really, I’m only complaining because most of the guys who do this should not EVER be showing their naked bodies in public. Ever. Usually these are just shirtless photos where I assume the guy is trying to show how “fit” and “hot” he is. I’m usually not impressed. Occasionally, a really good one will pop up where the guy looks absolutely amazing, but then I start wondering if he’s just shallow. I have never messaged a man with a shirtless photo on his profile. (But I have responded to one man who had one of these pictures on his profile; perhaps I will post more about this “Silver Fox” later.)

8. Boat, car, and motorcycle pictures. Come on, guys. I want to see what you look like, not your “toys.” And it aggravates me that you call these things your toys, anyway. If I never see another picture of a man perched jauntily on his Harley, it will be too soon. I assume these guys are trying to comfort potential mates by saying, “See? I can provide all the basics for you, as well as some TOYS.” ¬†Fortunately for me, I have a job and can take care of myself, so maybe that’s why this doesn’t do it for me.

9. Pictures of their home. See number 8 above.

10. Pictures taken from a half-mile away. Seriously, what do these guys have to hide? I’m shallow enough that I know physical attraction is important. If you don’t have a picture where I can actually make out your features, I’m probably not going to waste my time on you.

11. Group photos. Which one are you? Holy shit, is this a guessing game or what? I’m not going to waste my time asking, “Which guy are you in this picture?” Maybe you could crop the photo so it’s easy to tell which of the 12 guys in the shot is you. Ya think?

Profile pictures are important, people. Put your best foot forward, all right?

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Sexy Is…

The following is only my opinion. You may define “sexy” in a completely different way. And if you got a sexy man, you lucky thing, well, hot damn, you hang on to him.

Sexy is…

A certain look in his eyes. Some men just have something about them: the way they look at you, the way their eyes sparkle with a sense of humor, the way they laugh all the way up to their eyes. There’s something really hot about an intense gaze from a man who’s completely into you. There’s just not much that can compare.

An amazing smile. I totally fall in love with smiley men. Guys who laugh a lot are almost always so much fun to be around. Kissing a man you care about when he’s in the middle of a smile is just without compare.

Confidence. Yes, confidence is very, very attractive. I am taken with guys who know who they are and what they want and who aren’t afraid to be themselves. Some of the most sexy men I know aren’t even insanely physically attractive, but the way they carry themselves is. And that’s just yummy.

Tenderness. I have a weakness for big, strong, manly men. But I have an even stronger weakness for the ones who show their sweeter side on occasion. I adore a guy who can buy you a pink teddy bear without shame or who thinks nothing of rubbing your feet for an hour while you’re watching TV. I know a man who once spent an entire afternoon in bed with me while I was sick, just lying next to me and jumping up to get me anything I needed. Sexy indeed.

Knowing when to be gentle and when to be rough. Well, let’s just leave it at that.

A good kisser. We women know that some men just absolutely suck at kissing. We also know that men who are really good at it can make us weak in the knees faster than almost anything. I’m sure women define “good” in this context differently, but we all know what we like. Good kissers can get away with things that other men may not, just because we want to be kissed by them again. Am I right, ladies? Holla!

So there’s my short definition of sexy. What’s yours?

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