Chick On a Date

adventures in online and offline dating

“Excuse Me, Sir, But I Can See Your Junk”

I went on a first date recently. I know, color you surprised, right? This was a couple weeks ago, and it’s taken me this long to stop laughing long enough to actually write about it. Because that shit was hilarious.

So I was on this date with this guy. He is just an average guy, about my age, kind of good looking but not in the “Oh, God, I want you right now” kind of way. (Wait, is that just me who has that criteria?) He was really sweet and very friendly. We met at a local (to him, not me) bar for happy hour. This is a good kind of date to have: you can check him out, have a drink, and then make a break for it if he’s not your cup of tea. Or you can always suggest dinner if it’s going well. You get the idea.  Anyway, he walked in and sat down and we had a nice little convo going. You know, like the weather, his kids, my kids, the asshole bartender who apparently forgot we were alive for a while there…

And then he got up to go to the bathroom. I make a point of checking a guy out coming and going in a situation like this. Gives me a view of the goods without my being really obvious about it. I can look without staring or seeming rude. And don’t be all judgmental, people. You know you do the exact same thing.

So he went to the bathroom. And then he came back a few minutes later. And he had forgotten to zip up his pants.

Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be such a big deal.

Ordinarily, a man is wearing underwear under his pants.

Ordinarily.

But this guy wasn’t. Wearing underwear, that is. Yep. I saw everything. Frank and beans. He came sauntering across the room like a big old stud, with his little friend just winking at me beneath the flash of an unzipped zipper. I almost choked on my drink. The problem, then, was how could I point it out to him without making him aware that I had seen IT? I didn’t want to embarrass him, but the way his pants were unzipped, that thing was practically flapping in the breeze. No shit. There was no way I could say, “Hey, dude, the barn door is open” without him realizing I had spied the merchandise. Because it was really out there.

We sat there for what seemed like an eternity, gazing at each other over the table. I had one more drink, trying to decide what the hell to say. Because I sure as shootin’ couldn’t just let him get up and walk out of the place like that. THAT would be even more rude than saying something.

Finally, I said, “Um, so I noticed when you were coming back from the men’s room that you may have forgotten to zip.” And he looked down. He looked down for a good long time. His face didn’t change. He just looked. Then he reached down and zipped up. I heard, audibly, the zipper getting zipped up, even over the noise of a bar during happy hour.

Not another word was said about it. We ended up parting ways soon after. He asked if he could call again, but he hasn’t, and he won’t. There is no overcoming something like that. He didn’t have the je ne sais quoi to pull that shit off. Maybe another guy would have; not this one.

I have to admit: I giggled all the way home. And then I giggled when I woke up the next morning. And then I giggled when I told a friend about it. I’m sort of smiling right now, actually.

Here’s the kicker, though: Even if this guy did have the balls (yes, pun intended) to call me after something like that, I wouldn’t go out with him again. Because that thing was nothing to write home about. Just saying.

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Could We Just Have Fun?

Ever been on a date where you felt like you were being interviewed?

I mean, I get it. I’m no spring chicken myself. And many of us feel like we really need to hurry up and find a boyfriend/girlfriend before we get so old all hope is gone. I hear ya, people. But could we just relax a little and have some fun?

Recently, I went out for a drink with a very nice man. We had had a couple of phone conversations previously that went pretty well. There was some fun banter, comfortable conversion about jobs, kids, all that stuff. All good there.

But…

…then came the first meeting.

It started off innocuously enough. We did one of those quick “nice to meet you” hugs, sat down with our drinks, and then… the interview began.

Him: How long have you been in Minnesota?

Me: Almost two years.

Him: Where were you before that?

Me: Iowa.

Him: How about before that?

And on. And on. There was no actual conversation; just him asking questions and me responding. And no, he didn’t really want me to expound on any of my answers. It was like he had a list he needed to get through to figure out if I was worth his time. I actually started to get nervous for a while there.

When did dating stop being fun and start being so damn serious? Is there a reason we can’t just lighten up and enjoy each other’s company? I don’t need to know everything about a man the first time I meet him; usually I’ll figure out if I want to see him again and if I want to know more just by talking to him like a normal person. With time, we’ll get to know each other, right?

Sure, I want someone in my life; it would be cool to find a partner in crime. But I refuse to give up having fun on a date to get there. Needless to say, I won’t be seeing Mr. Interviewer again. So there.

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Need to Escape? Don’t Be a Dick About It

Every one of us has had a date that we just want to end. Maybe you were set up on a blind date with a friend of a friend. Maybe you met someone on a dating site and thought they sounded pretty cool on paper, but when you met them you wondered what the hell you were thinking. Maybe you decided you had nothing left to lose by meeting an old flame from high school. Whatever the situation, we’ve all been somewhere we didn’t want to be five minutes after getting there.

How do you deal with a date that’s going nowhere? There’s a fine line between just bailing and bowing out gracefully. Let’s talk about a few dating situations and how best to deal with them without coming across as a complete jerk.

1. The Creep. This is the guy that gives you the old up-and-down the second you walk into the room. One of the worst dates I’ve ever been on in my life involved this kind of tool. Usually, the creep makes lewd, suggestive remarks and may try to feel you up. I feel like I’m a pretty good judge of character, even when I first meet someone, and I would never go out with someone who makes suggestive or rude remarks in an email or on the phone prior to meeting. I did have this happen, though, with someone who seemed perfectly nice prior to meeting. Once we were eyeball to eyeball, though, things took a quick dive into yuckiness.

How to get out of there: The second you feel uncomfortable, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to just get up and walk out. It’s not rude; it’s smart. If a man touches you when you have no desire to be touched, you have every right to slap his hand (or his face, I guess) and hightail it. This is one time when I think you should leave as quickly as possible. Don’t trust these guys, and you might want to take a few wrong turns on your way home just in case he’s SUPER creepy and tries to follow you. I’ve heard stories. Don’t be a statistic.

2. The Guy Who Looks Nothing Like His Photo. Okay, I cut these guys a little slack. I’m not quite sure if they think using an old picture will work for them once a woman actually meets them and sees he used a little deception to get them there, but part of me believes maybe some men just don’t have many photos of themselves or maybe they honestly believe that’s how they still look. So I don’t necessarily think you should take one look and make an about-face to the door. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes you just know there’s no way in hell you will ever be attracted to this guy.

How to get out of there: Don’t use the old trick where you have a friend call or text with a prearranged “emergency.” It’s a real dick move, in my opinion. This guy has put himself out there and is probably pretty nervous to meet you. Plus, he’s gonna know what you’re doing. I have a hard time hurting someone’s feelings, whether I’ll ever see them again or not. In these cases, I’ve usually stayed for a quick cup of coffee (or whatever, but I think this is why a brief coffee date is an excellent first meeting idea), acted polite, paid attention to him, and then let him know I had another meeting or something to get to. A nice handshake at the end of the meeting is appropriate and usually sets the “I probably will never see you again” tone. If he texts or calls later to ask you out again, you can always politely respond that you didn’t think there was a connection between you and thank him for the date. And that’s it. DO NOT respond to any further correspondence, because that will only give him false hope and make him think he has a chance. If he doesn’t, don’t make him think he does.

3. The Non-Conversationalist. I think I could talk to just about anybody. I’ve met really nice people, for instance, just standing in a line somewhere, or waiting to cross a street. I live for good conversation, and it’s important to me that a man I end up with be a good communicator. But I’ve had a few dates in my life with men who just refused to talk. I’m not sure if it’s shyness — I suspect so, since these guys also struggled mightily with eye contact — but whatever the reason, it can lead to an uncomfortable situation. Sitting over coffee with a guy like this for a half hour can feel like hours. You begin to feel yourself desperately reaching for something — anything — to get this guy talking, and you feel like a babbling idiot while he sits there speechless. You need to get out of there.

How to get out of there: Again, don’t be rude. Give it a little time. If a guy is shy, remember that this might be early on in his dating experience after a breakup (or maybe the first time he’s gotten out of his mom’s basement). Don’t make things worse for the next chick he’ll go out with by creating even more anxiety for him. Try some open-ended questions like, “What kind of movies do you like?” If you get one word answers or, worse, just a reddening of the ears and an adam’s apple bob, maybe talk about your own likes and dislikes for a little while, then let him know you need to get going. He’s probably not going to contact you again, because he’s usually very aware that he blew it with you, so you don’t have to worry about followups with this one.

4. The Blowhard. Next to The Creep (above), this is one of my least favorite guys to date. The scenario usually goes something like this: you meet at a prearranged place, get something to drink, and then he proceeds to talk about himself non-stop for the next 30 minutes. Usually, about 10 minutes into this, you want to gouge your eyes out with a fork and jam a chopstick into your ears, but you find yourself smiling and nodding while you sit there quietly sipping your tea.

How to get out of there: The trick with this one is to get a word in edgewise. You may have to actually interrupt him mid-sentence. Don’t feel too badly about it; he’s probably not even really aware of you on some level. Let him know you’ve enjoyed hearing all about him (in other words, “Damn, you talk a lot!”), shake his hand, and don’t look back. If you’re shy (I’m not, so I don’t really know, but I’m guessing), you may think this is a godsend: he did all the talking so you didn’t have to. You may even be tempted to set up a second date because it was pretty easy for you to just sit there and look cute while he chatted away aimlessly. DO NOT DO IT. This guy is way too self-absorbed to be a good date, and he’s not going to improve over time. Even if you’re quiet and like a guy who takes up the slack on a date, this won’t work long-term because he will NEVER be interested in YOU. You can tell the difference between someone who is chatty but listens and a guy who is so full of himself he goes on and on and on… Once again, it’s better to just ignore followup texts, emails, and calls from this type of man. If you really feel badly about cutting him off without a word, just politely explain you didn’t feel a connection and then STOP. Got it?

Do you have any tips for getting away from a boring/obnoxious/uncomfortable/jerk date? Do you care about hurting your dates’ feelings or are you in it only for yourself? Comment and let me know.

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